BREAKING: INTERNATIONAL NICKNAME CRISIS - DAY 547

ATTIGATE

When Nicknames Become a National Security Threat

"First they came for Atti-boy, and I said nothing..."

BREAKING: FEDERAL HUMOR ENFORCEMENT AGENTS DEPLOYED

In an unprecedented move, the Department of Homeland Hilarity has dispatched Federal Humor Enforcement Agents (FHEA) to the scene of what officials are calling "a complete inability to take a joke."

Channel 9 Exclusive: Sources within the FHEA confirm that the maternal unit's sense of humor has been classified as "critically endangered" following her objection to the term "Atti-boy."

ALERT: Federal agents are currently assessing whether emergency laughter therapy will be required to prevent further escalation of this completely manufactured crisis.

"We haven't seen humor levels this low since someone got upset about pineapple on pizza," said FHEA Director Common Sense.

UPDATE: Child services has confirmed that young Atticus remains completely unbothered and continues to enjoy a happy, normal childhood despite his mother's concerning overreaction to a harmless term of endearment.

THE CRISIS

In what historians are calling "the greatest threat to nomenclature sovereignty since the Treaty of Versailles," a beloved aunt has committed the UNTHINKABLE ACT of referring to young Atticus as "Atti-boy."

Atticus

VICTIM: Atticus

Age: Too Young for This

UNAUTHORIZED NICKNAME STATUS: ACTIVE

KNOWN ALIASES

  • Atti-boy (FORBIDDEN)
  • Atticus (APPROVED)
  • Atti (PENDING REVIEW)
WARNING: Use of unauthorized nicknames may result in maternal disapproval, awkward family dinners, and passive-aggressive Facebook posts.

KEY PLAYERS

Shelbie

Mother / Chief Nickname Objector

Current Status: Not having it

Tammy

Great Aunt / Alleged Perpetrator

Crime: Showing affection

Marie

Grandmother / Tammy's Sister

Status: Caught in the middle

Jeffrey

Voice of Reason

Message: "Grow up"

A TIMELINE OF TERROR

Day 1: The Incident

Aunt commits verbal atrocity by calling Atticus "Atti-boy." Witnesses report the child appeared... completely unaffected.

Day 2: The Complaint

Mother files formal objection with Family Court of Public Opinion. Demands immediate cessation of all nickname activities.

Day 87: International Attention

UN Nickname Council convenes emergency session. Sanctions considered against aunt's household.

Day 312: Federal Response

Federal Humor Enforcement Agents (FHEA) deployed after mother's sense of humor officially declared missing and endangered. Channel 9 News provides exclusive coverage.

Day 547: Current Status

Situation remains critical. Aunt shows no signs of compliance. Child continues to thrive, blissfully unaware of controversy. FHEA recommends mandatory chill pill prescription.

NEVER FORGET

Historical Reference

Dramatic historical photo included for absolutely no reason other than to suggest this is somehow similar to an actual crisis

THE TRIGGERING EVENT

THE POST THAT STARTED IT ALL

TammyLynn Godin posted

"My Atti-boy is coming home today! Oh how I miss you."

16 Like · 25 comments

WARNING: The above message contains an UNAUTHORIZED NICKNAME. Maternal authorities were immediately notified. A 25-comment Facebook war ensued. Child remained blissfully unaware and happy.

DECLASSIFIED COMMUNICATIONS

LEAKED FACEBOOK TRANSCRIPT - CLASSIFIED

The following communications have been obtained through the Freedom of Information Act and reveal the shocking depths of this crisis:

Shelbie (Mother):

"So if TammyLynn Godin doesn't want us to call Juliette Julie then she shouldn't call Atticus Atti"

ANALYSIS: Mother establishes quid pro quo nickname policy. Great aunt's right to give nephew affectionate nickname hereby revoked unless mother's preferred nomenclature for other children is respected. The irony that she's also apparently forbidden from shortening OTHER children's names appears to be lost on everyone.

Jeffrey (Voice of Reason):

"This is bullshit u can't tell someone not to say what they want to anyone get over it"

"And I am not saying this to be a ass but grow up all of you"

"U guys are acting like babys"

ANALYSIS: Jeffrey correctly identifies situation as "bullshit" and recommends growing up. FHEA agrees with assessment.

Hazel (Team No Nicknames):

"all mom and shelbie wanted was respect from TammyLynn Godin to call Atticus by his name and not atti."

ANALYSIS: Defines "respect" as never using shortened version of child's name. Webster's Dictionary has been notified of proposed definition change.

Tammy (The Accused):

"I'm sorry. Please don't get caught up in it. It's freaking nonsense"

ANALYSIS: Aunt apologizes and accurately describes situation. Shows more maturity than... well, you know.

Yvette (Wisdom):

"You guys all should stop. This is a private matter that you're all putting out in public."

ANALYSIS: Yvette demonstrates rare common sense. Recommendation ignored.

Aurzene (Final Assessment):

"It's really not showing the world what great people you all are."

ANALYSIS: Understatement of the century.

FHEA CONCLUSION: Analysis of communications reveals a Category 5 Drama Hurricane over what rational humans recognize as a completely normal term of endearment. Recommend immediate deployment of common sense and/or perspective.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

Save Atti

Join the movement. Share your support. Change your Facebook profile picture.

Petition demands: Aunt must refer to child only by full legal name, including middle name, at all times

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

No. No it is not. Not even a little bit. In fact, it's absurdly trivial. But here we are.

Sources indicate the child's primary concerns include: nap schedules, availability of snacks, and whether dogs can be petted.

THAT'S WHAT THE AUNT WANTS YOU TO THINK. Wake up, sheeple!

Great question. We're still looking for evidence of any. Will update when found.

When someone's inability to handle a harmless nickname reaches critical levels, the FHEA must intervene to prevent the spread of unnecessary drama. This is considered a public health emergency.

YES. YES YOU SHOULD. IMMEDIATELY.

THE SOLUTION

Perhaps... just maybe... we could all relax and let aunts give their nephews cute nicknames? Just a thought.

Expert Opinion

"In my 40 years of child psychology, I have never seen a child damaged by a loving aunt calling them 'Atti-boy.' I have, however, seen children confused by adults making mountains out of molehills."

— Dr. Common Sense, Child Psychology Institute